I leave for California on Tuesday.
And while I'm beyond excited, I'm also beyond nervous.

I know my chances of running into this person are like... 1 in five gazillion, but it could happen, right?
And I just have a feeling that it would be extremely awkward.
No doubt, it will be.

I'm looking forward to Hannah and Caleb, the beach, the sun, the family, the church, and most of all the friends. <3

I never realized how much I truly cared for everyone there until I moved here, and could no longer see them at least once a week.
It was like sheer torture.
=]

Freedom baby on July 4th.

So, I know I haven't been on in forever.
=]
And.
It sucks, I know.
BUT.
I have crap to deal with.

My life is a never ending crap magnet.
>>;

Kiran knows and HIGHLY objects to my feelings.
She thinks I should've moved on by now.
It's been weeks after all.

BUT.
Whatever.

I can't.
=]

OHHHHHH.

Mah book.
Is coming along, slowly, but surely.

ANYWAY.

I need sleep.
Baseball game tomorrow.
So, bye.

<3

So...
I wrote a letter to you.
And the funny thing?
You'll never get it.
Lolz?

oo;
Yeah. And it's loooooong.
Like.
The whole front and back.
When I say whole, I mean WHOLE.
Not just on the lines.

Anyway.
It's kind of sad that you'll never see it, because.... you should.
It's not cussing you out or anything, cause I don't cuss anymore.
But it is stating some of my thoughts, and things that you have wrong.

Like that thing that I told David, that had nothing to do with you.
Yet, you mistook it for something to do with you.
D;

And it also admits some stuff that I would never be able to tell you to your face.
Like.... -insertstuffthatisaidintheletterhere-
Yeah.
And it's true.
But even if you did read it, or I did tell you.
It wouldn't make a difference.
Whatever.


But.
I also said that I somehow hope that you can get this jist of my letter, on your own.
And that you chance.

I haven't died.
I just have been really busy for the past... almost year.
;D

I moved to Colorado.
Woooot.
D;

It sucks.

But ish all good, I get to go back to California in May.
Umz.


I'm trying to get hold of Dantay, but he's not answering.
Just letting you know.
:P

OH!
PEOPLE. GO WATCH MEET THE SPARTANS.
XD
It looks so funny.

"Yay. Now we look the same!"

XD

I know. Totally stupid.
But that's what makes it so funny.
Lolz.

Anyway.

Krystal is annoying me with her cigarette talk.
;D
Appearently, she thought of a name for them.
Lolz.


I don't carrrrre.

But yeah.
I don't come on here much.
So if I disappear, that's why.

But I'm always on myspace.
Wooooo.

Was the best thing ever!
Psh. Totally.
xD

It was THE BEST worship ..... togetherness thing ever!
The messages were great.
The music was great.
Everything was great.


AHHHH!
Okay, anyway.
I'm back, after being gone two days.
WOOT!

Oh... and.... um.
Yeah.
Fun facts about NYI:
1) I made Troy hug Monty
2) I slapped Troy's noise
3) Erin DID NOT understand Mao. Which was the best game ever.
4) The pool was freezing
5) I really was the last to find out
6) We got cool pics

xD
Yeah, but this weekend was all about God, and I wouldn't have spent it any other way.

I get when people say life isn't fair.
But I never thought it would be this unfair.

So... 15 years without a father, and we finally get him back, for less than five months, and then he's taken away again under false accusations. Why? Cause people obviously have nothing better to do than to blame someone for something they didn't even do and give them even more problems than they originally had.

If you know me, well enough, then you know ALL the problems that my mom and I go through, and if you're really close to me then you know the whole deal with my dad, which is only like... four of you, and you should know that it's way too much to handle.

Yeah... we've had tons of people praying for us, and helping us with legal advice and stuff like that, but it's still frustrating, especially for my mom.

It's way too much for her too handle, and she's getting tired. Literally.
She tired a lot of the time, and spends almost every day in bed.

I know that everything happens for a reason, and God has something planned by doing this, but it's really hard to stay focused on that when everything else is going on.

I've got so much to try and handle right now.
-Friends being ... jerks
-Dad
-School
-Family... getting in BIG trouble
-Mom
-And ... everything else.

It's too much.

And the LAST thing I needed was for my mom to start thinking like she is.

She's starting to actually consider letting this happen, and let my dad stay under protective services.
After just getting him back, after 15 years... she's thinking that.

I'm just... losing my track.

I know it's hard on her, but I didn't think it would be this hard.

I've done everything I can to try and convince her it'd be okay... but she doesn't believe anything anymore.

...
I really wish things would work out.

Yayz.
Mrs. Perkins doesn't notice I'm on livejournal, even though she's right in front of me. XDDDD

Yayz.
Anyways....
Christina is... changing the colors on our powerpoint.
And I'm here.

LMAO.
MXCN PNGNZ.
RAMON AND THE AMIGOS

THEY PWN.
Yes.

"I heard an animal do that once. Then they rolled him over and he was dead..."

Ha.
Best movie ever.
Even though I haven't seen it.

!!!!!
Ha.
Steven just looked at me like I've lost my mind.
Christina's laughing, and Jake is being.... Jake.

;D
All is good with the world.

DX

'Cept I haven't seen the MXCN PNGNZ.
:0000000

WTF?
I just heard someone say... "How you doin?"

Yay subliminal messeging in our powerpoint.
Kay... anyway.

There are ducks and chicks in the world again.
XDDDD

Ima go work on.... looking... for... pictures of MXCN PNGNZ.
Lol.

Byyyyes~

Yes, I'm still alive. XDDDD

I'm not dead. I just haven't logged in in a loooong~ time. =DDDD

Lol.
I totally just thought of 'Stay Alive'.
...
I LOVE that movie.

Only the best movie ever.
Well.... the unreated version.
XDDDD


Kay.
Well.
Byyyyes.
Just wanted to let you know I'm -not- dead.

location: Your face mood: cheerful music: Wake Me Up - The Summer Obssession

I love this song. XDDDD
It... fits me so well. =DDDD
~~~~~~
Don't go changing
That's what you told me from the start
Thought you where something different
That's when it all just fell apart
Like you're so perfect
And I can' measure up
well I'm not perfect
Juse all messed up

I was loosing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want
She was tearing us apart
Cause she's everything
Eerything I'm not

It's not I need somebody
Telling me where I should go at night
Don't worry you'll find somebody
Someone to tell how to live their life
Cause your so perfect
And no one measures up
Yeah all by yourself
You're all messed up

I was loosing myself to somebody else
But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want
She was tearing us apart
Cause she's everything
Everything I'm not

Now wait a minute
Because of you
I never knew all the things that I had
Hey don't you get it
I'm not going anywhere with you tonight
Cause this is my life

I was loosing myself to somebody else
but now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want
She was tearing us apart
Cause she's was everything
Everything I'm not

But now I see
I don't wanna pretend
So this is the end of you and me
Cause the girl that you want
She was tearing us apart
Cause she's everything
Everything I'm not
~~~~~~~~

Anyways.
Yeah.. Aubrey got switched to Dance, and... left me. :0000
Hopefully by Monday, I'll be in that class.
Yays.

And then... with like.. all the people I know.
Cause I know like.. everyone in that class.
XD

Kays.
I'm not 'emo' and I don't have a depression problem.

So peoples...
Stop IM'ing me, telling me to get happy.

I'm fine.

It's just... problems.
And... problems.
XD

One of which I only have to deal with every other day, but the other is every day, except weekends.

@_@

But I'll be fine.
I'll get over this.

Like I get over all of the crap I go through.
So thanks, but don't worry.

And if YOU'RE reading this.
Dude...
Leave me alone.

I know...

I haven't posted anything in a while.

-notdead-

Just... dealing with problems.
Ha.

Yeah...

Court = huge.

;.;

But...
I'll try and write more?

Yay~

Oh.
Jesse~
Break.
Not before school.
Sorry~

-zeroperiod-

Yeah... see you then, muchacho. =D

You need a new name. T_T;;

I'd like to know how the state can have custody over a person.
That just... doesn't make any sense.

We were SO close.
We could've gotten him back today.
But no... she has to make up lies.

Hello.
It's not that hard to tell she was lying.
Your cops, do your freaking job.

My sister saw everything she did, heard everything she said.
So why did you leave him there?

Screw the state.
They're not the ones that have been looking for him for over 15 years.
They're not the ones that have gone through hell trying to get him back.
They're not the ones that have missed countless Father Days, and birthdays.

He's worse there than he was to begin with.
Why the heck couldn't the cops see that?

I mean... he's suffering.
It's like that home is hell on earth.

He's half paralyzed, he can't do things on his own, and they know that. So why force him to?
Why leave him there with people that MAKE him do things for himself?

You have the word of an entire family, against the word of a nurse.
A lying, manipulative nurse.

And you choose the nurse over his own family?

Hasn't he gone through enough?
Haven't we gone through enough?

You could've let us bring him home today.
But no... you had to leave him there.
Your cops.
You could've done something.

Some example of 'serving and protecting' that is.

I really do.
I freaking hate life.
At least right now

Yesturday was the best day of my life.
Now... I just... wish my mom had never found it.

Who in their right minds would drug a man that can't defend himself?
He had a stroke, he can barely eat by himself, and they still drug him?

How can someone that does that call themselves a person?
That's just not human.

I thought I was finally going to get to see my dad today, but no.
My sister called and said that she went to see him, and he didn't have a clue as to who she was.
That he seemed...
totally out of it. Like he didn't know who he was.

So... my mom changed her mind and decided it was best to not go see him.

Fifteen years of dead ends, we finally get something.
And we can't do a thing about it.

Now my mom's pissed off for no reason.
She says that she should've gotten him out of there when she had the chance.

Now... the freaking 'people' won't let him go anywhere else.
They say that he needs to stay there.

Ew. You.

Why the heck does he have to stay there?
So you can keep beating, and drugging him?

He needs to be with his family.
We haven't seen him in more than 15 years.
Both he, and my family have been going through hell trying to find him.
Now you won't let us even see him?

God, I just hope these people get what they deserve.
They've taken a husband, brother, uncle, grandfather, and father away from us.

How can we ever accept that?

mood: crushed

XDDD

You people... are gonna get annoyed with me. =D

I'm gonna go see Pirate for the... 10th time?

No... yeah 10.
XD

What can I say?
I got a free ticket. <333

I LOVE that movie.
Obviosuly.
XDDD

But... oo;;;
....

Jack Sparrow...

Only.
Gets.
Hotter.
With.
Each.
Time.
I.
Watch.
That.
Movie.

XDDD

Ish true.

Well.. I'm off. <3333

And I'm still crying.

T_T;;

I just wish... there were an easier way to solve this.

Lmao.
I need Grant. ><;;;
He's always good at helping me with this stuff.

Always makes me laugh, and forget I have problems.
XD

Why aren't you online? >>;;;

....

I srsly need to stop crying.
But I can't.
Which is odd..

Cause... I'm watching Pimp My Ride... and I'm still crying.
Thank you TIVO?

T_T;;

No.

But... why can't I stop.

It wasn't my fault.
Right...?

Isn't this suprising?
I'm crying, again.

God, I thought I was done with this.
I made up with him.
I said sorry, for something I didn't even do.
Yet.. I feel even worse?

I feel like.. I'm lying to everyone else.
To myself.

I guess I am... cause I'm still upset about all the lies.
Calling my issues annoying.
Tearing things up...

But... I did this so that people wouldn't have problems this school year.
It was the right choice... right?

But... I feel worse.
I just... I did it for them, but I feel like I'm hurting them by doing it.

....

Why does this have to be so hard?
I thought by making up with him, all my problems would be gone... but I was wrong.

Kaleidoscope of colors
Turning hopes on fire, sun if burning
Shining down on both of us
Don't let us lost it~

Were you right, was I wrong?
Were you weak, was I strong?
Both of us broken
Caught in a moment
We lived and we loved
And we hurt, and we joked
But the planets all aligned when you looked into my eyes
And just like that
The chemicals react
The chemicals react~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At ONE point in time, that's how I felt.
Now. I don't know how I feel. =D

Srsly.
<3

I think... I'm just... doubting.
Not only him.
But everything in general.

I mean... my mom wants to move, and... my friends aren't helping me in wanting to stay.
They're... pushing me to leave, in a way.
'Course they don't know they are.

Not to mention that I'm beginning to doubt myself.
Honestly.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I give in too easily.
I've learned that the hard way.

...

Very hard way.

The only things that make any sense to me at all... are my conversations online.
And... sadly, they're with people I DON'T know.

Isn't that sad?
I get along more with people I don't know, than people I go to school with.
I think it's sad. T_T

><;;

Most of all Aaron.
Gawd.
He helps me sooooo~ much.
I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for him.

Wait... I do know.
I'd be... long gone. x.x

But... I love him to death. XD
I may not know him in person, but... I'd do ANYTHING for him. ><;;

As for the people... I actually know KNOW, I don't know as much anymore.
Like I said....

I'm doubting.
Everything.

I'm... lost.
In a way.

I just... need to be found. XD

And at one point this year, I thought I was almost found.
But... no.
D=

I just... got... hidden even more.

So... I hope this year will be better than the last. XD

Maybe... I'll be found.

<333

location: Covina mood: crazy music: Chemicals React-Aly & AJ

Ha.
I hate my life right now.
So much~

I mean... I can't figure out how I can be pissed, and... sorry at the same time.
When I did NOTHING to him.

As you by now know... or.. at least I hope you do.

XD

He's the one that messed up, right?
So I should have nothing to feel sorry for, right?

Then... why do I?

Why... do I have the urge to call him?
To message him when he's online?
To... apologize for something I didn't mess up.

After all...
I'm not the one lies constantly.
I'm not the one that pretends to be something I'm not.

Gawd.

I just need answers.

Like... now.

Since June I've been feeling like this, and it won't go away.
No matter how much I try.
No matter how much I think of someone else.

These feelings won't go away.
And why... I don't know.

Cause.... I should just be pissed, not... sorry.

After all... I don't like him anymore.
That I KNOW.

Cause someone else was in my dream, twice.
>>;;;

But... even when I think of that someone else, I can't help but feel like...
I HAVE to say sorry.

I just wish someone would tell me why the hell I feel sorry.
I have nothing to feel sorry for.

Though.. I still have some control of my feelings left. =D
I'm more upset than I am sorry.

I still hate him.
More than anything.

Lieing Doofus.

=DDDDD
See?

I'm still me.
Just... a confused me.

Very confused.
So...
Anyone that knows why I'm pissed, and has some clue as to why I'm feeling sorry...

Please.
I ask you to tell me.

I need to know.

<3333

location: Yorba Linda mood: bored music: How to Save A Life - The Fray

It's weird how... I have the most random.... 'thoughts' about something that I KNOW will NEVER happen. =D

But, hey... it's not illegal to dream. Now is it?
No. <3

But yeah... I'm bored as heck.
And... weeee

Aaron's on away.
Since... 6:00. T_T;
Though... he called and said he was... cleaning.

Cleaning doesn't take four hours. >>;;

BUT.

I'm bored.
Yays.

And my head hurts.
Cause... I was crying...

AGAIN.

Gawd, why do I keep crying?
I'm freakin' OVER IT!

Right...?

I mean... I got rid of ALL of the stuff It gave me.
I tore up all the notes.
I stopped talking to It.
I finally allowed myself to realize the majority of the things he said were lies.

So....

Why the HECK am I CRYING?!

Just randomly.
I start crying.
I mean...

I'm not even thinking about It, and I start crying.

I'll be watching Pirates of the Caribbean, and I'll start crying.

Which is weired, cause I LOVE that movie.

But I did start crying.

WHY?!

I DIDN'T DO A THING.
HE'S THE ONE THAT MESSED EVERYTHING UP.
HE'S THE ONE THAT DECIDED TO LIE.

SO WHY AM I CRYING OVER HIM?!

I shouldn't be.
I mean... anyone before him called my issues annoying,
or tore something up of mine, then I wouldn't give them a second thought.

But... here I am...

Watching my furture husband, and crying. T_T

.....

I don't know anymore.

I either...

Can get over him.
Or...
Can't get over the fact that HE of ALL people was the one to lie.

"The only rules are these: What a man can do, and what a man can't do." ~Jack Sparrow.

T_T;;

I just...

Need answers.

Like...

Why did he do it?

Did he honestly think I wouldn't find out?

Did he think my issues were... something I made up?

Why does one side of me want him to feel what I'm going through,
and the other side want to...

Apolagize?

~~~~

Just....

I guess...

I want to forget.

location: Yorba Linda mood: confused music: Over My Head-The Fray